😍 Pleasure & Desire

Pleasure and Desire explores the fluctuating nature of both, along with the factors that influence them. We reframe pleasure, delve into spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and help you to reflect on your unique experiences.

Our brains are wired for pleasure - it’s a natural, intrinsic part of being human. And yet, many of us feel uncomfortable or even ashamed when it comes to embracing pleasure, especially in its more intimate forms. But pleasure is nothing to be ashamed of because..

The World Association for Sexual Health (WAS) declares pleasure as a fundamental human right. It is the physical and/or psychological satisfaction we experience from shared or solo erotic encounters, including thoughts, fantasies, dreams, emotions, and feelings.

But on the whole, pleasure is about much more than just sex. It is about allowing yourself to experience joy, satisfaction, and contentment in any form that feels right for you.

✍️ Reflective Task: Reframing Pleasure

Often, we overcomplicate pleasure, or we may reduce it solely to sexual experiences. In reality, pleasure is always within reach, and sometimes simplifying how we approach it can help us experience more of it in our lives.

What are three non-sexual things that guarantee you pleasure?

It could be simple or unexpected—anything that makes you feel good, nourished, or fulfilled.

📖 A good book on a rainy day

🥐 A pastry and coffee at sunrise

💇‍♀️ The feeling after getting my hair done
🎵 Putting on my favourite song and dancing around the living room

Embracing these simple things can prompt our mind into thinking more about how we can bring even more moments of pleasure, joy and fulfilment into our everyday lives.

💕 Desire 

Desire is the internal urge or craving for intimacy. It’s not only about physical attraction or sex; it’s about the mental desire for connection - whether emotional, physical, or both. It’s your body and mind signalling a wish to feel valued, seen, and connected, in a pleasurable way that’s meaningful to you. 

💭 Desire vs. 🔥 Arousal

It’s easy to confuse desire with arousal, but they are actually two different things, even though they are closely related.

💭 Desire is the mental and emotional "want" to connect intimately. It’s what your mind craves - whether that’s the thought of a kiss, the warmth of holding hands, or the idea of sharing something vulnerable with your partner. It’s that feeling of longing and anticipation.

🔥 Arousal is what happens in the body. It’s the physical "readiness" that accompanies sexual intimacy: your heart racing, your body warming, or the tingling sensations you feel in your vulva. Arousal is often sparked by the senses, and it can be a reaction to the emotional connection you have with someone, or a response to your own desires.

🧠 Did You Know? 

The brain is crucial in both of these processes, releasing chemicals like dopamine (which makes us feel excited and happy) and oxytocin (which makes us feel close and bonded). Desire often starts in the mind, while arousal is what happens in the body when you begin to feel "in the moment."

It’s important to understand that desire is not something that stays the same all the time - it ebbs and flows. This is completely normal. Life, our bodies, and our emotions change regularly, and so does our desire.

There are many things that can influence how we feel about sex and intimacy, including:

🧬 Biological Influences: Hormones, sleep, and overall physical health can play a big part in how we feel desire.

🧠 Psychological Influences: Stress, past experiences, and mental health can impact how we feel about our bodies and intimacy.

👥 Social Influences: The dynamics in our relationships, our social norms, and even how we’ve been taught to view intimacy can shape our desires.

🌍 Environmental Influences: Life events, personal growth, and even the space you’re in - whether it's emotional or physical - can affect how desire shows up.

Rather than trying to force desire to be consistent, it’s important to recognise and accept its fluctuations, knowing that your feelings are completely valid no matter what stage you’re at.

In relationships, it's common to experience different levels of desire, known as a desire discrepancy or mismatched desire. This can feel challenging, but it's a natural part of many relationships. Your level of desire doesn’t define your worth or the relationship. The key is open communication, empathy, and creating a space where both partners feel heard and understood.

There are two different types of desire, and both are completely valid:

⚡ Spontaneous Desire: This is the type of desire that comes seemingly out of nowhere. It’s that sudden spark of wanting to be intimate or to connect in a passionate way, often without any external stimulation or even a specific reason. It can be exciting when it happens, but it’s also okay if this doesn’t always occur on command.

💌 Responsive Desire: This is more common than you might think. Responsive desire doesn’t always come first - it often follows after being with a partner, being touched, or simply feeling emotionally close. Sometimes, the desire to connect only surfaces once intimacy begins. That’s completely natural too, and just as important and fulfilling as spontaneous desire.

📚 Book Recommendation: Check out Come as You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski. This book explores the science of desire, offering a compassionate, evidence-based approach to understanding and embracing your unique sexual wellbeing. A must-read for anyone curious about the complexities of sexual response and pleasure.

✍️ Reflective Task:Green Lights & Red Lights 🚦

Make a list of your personal green lights and red lights. Be as specific as possible! If you have a partner, ask them to make their own list too.

Think of green lights as what gets you going and red lights as what slows you down. Green lights (turn-ons) are things that fuel your sexual desire and make you more likely to want to connect with your partner, while red lights (turn-offs) are the things that block or decrease your desire.

Why is it important to know what your green and red lights are? Because understanding them helps you create more fulfilling sexual experiences, on your own terms.

💋 Sensory Stimuli: A romantic touch, a seductive voice, or the smell of a partner’s cologne/perfume.
💖 Emotional Connection: Feeling loved, appreciated, or emotionally safe.
🔥 Erotic Contexts: A romantic setting, or engaging with erotic content.
💭 Fantasy: Imagining sexual scenarios that excite you.
🎉 Novelty: Trying something new, like a different position, setting, or playful activity.
😉 Flirting: Playful attention or compliments that make you feel confident.
💪 Physical Health: Feeling strong, well-rested, and confident in your body.

😣 Stress: Anxiety, work deadlines, or financial worries.
😔 Negative Body Image: Feeling self-conscious or critical of your appearance.
💔 Relationship Issues: Unresolved arguments, lack of trust, or emotional distance.
📱 Distractions: A cluttered environment, interruptions, or a noisy setting.
🤕 Pain or Discomfort: Feeling physically unwell or experiencing pain during intimacy.
😓 Societal Pressure: Internalised shame, guilt, or societal expectations about sex.
👎 Mismatched Context: Being in an unromantic or unsexy environment, like a messy room or being interrupted by children.